Shit's about to get real!

There's this gray area that I have to deal with if I want to live this way. This way called "alone". I hate feeling lonely around holidays, but I also hate being surrounded by people. I spent Thanksgiving alone. Christmas alone. New Year's Eve alone. I turn 40 on Saturday. A pretty big event...that will be spent alone. I lie to people who ask me what I'm doing "Oh, I'm spending the holidays with friends," is my go to response. Then I mope about being alone. Then I think about all of the fake small talk and forced smiles I'd have to endure if I were with people, and I feel a little better. The gray area.

I saw the mortgage broker on Monday. I officially feel like an adult. I spent a good year building and fixing my credit and now I have the green light to forge ahead. I have a Realtor, too. I spent the past two days with him house hunting, and let me tell you - this is stressful! It's a whole new language I have to learn, and a whole lot of changes to deal with. There are things that are equally important that I'm finding I constantly have to weigh. Distance for a newer home, or convenience for an older home? Older single family home with lots of charm (and potential problems) or newer townhome but absolutely no privacy but my landscaping taken care of? But even if I spend extra for the private back yard, would I actually use it? Gardening is not my thing. Neither are mowing, weeding or raking. Or does that change if it's "your own" like they say about having a child? But I do like the idea of a ritual circle or a place for a fire pit or drumming, or to create a labyrinth or Zen garden to meditate. Do I want this to be my home for a long time or my home for now? If the latter - will the property value increase or not? Is the resale value good? Do I want to pay a little bit more outside of the city so I don't have HOA or county tax fees or inside the city but have an added $150 or so per month bill on my monthly mortgage payment?

After all this - will anything even be available that I love or will I have to settle since I have until mid-Feb to absolutely find something? (I can't afford to go month to month on my apartment to hold out for a place that I love.) If a place I love is available - will I get it first or will someone else? It is enough to drive a person insane!


After I'm locked in - committed - signed, sealed, delivered - will I continue to just be in a big 'ole house all alone? Now that I have my massage therapy license, I am free to pretty much work anywhere. I've moved 48 times in my life - what if I'm unhappy in NC and get the itch to move again? I mean, I've been here 3 years and I like it - it's not anything exciting, but it's a safe place, affordable, good weather, etc. But what about my dream of New Mexico? Of Portland? Will my life be over after I get strapped down with a house? What if I lose my job????? I have no savings at all right now!

I have to focus on the good: I will no longer be throwing my money away on rent for a one bedroom apartment. My monthly mortgage payments will be less than my rent. I'm in an area that has good resale potential due to all of the colleges and I'm in the Research Triangle - lots of people moving here for work. So I'm not really stuck. If I really want to move, I can also rent the place out. Or, if I lose my job, I can massage and get a roommate! Even though I hate roommates, but still.

So much to go through on my own. But I'm a forty fucking year old woman! For goodness' sake, put my big girl panties on and suck it up! Seriously...some people live on the streets and sleep in the rain. I should be lucky that I even have this "problem" to deal with.

A lot to think about. Thank goodness for blogging. Seriously.