Moo

I feel as though I am not where I should be in my career. I am 42 years old, a Sr. Manager with no one to manage, a title shared with two other coworkers who are far more respected and better paid, who have been here for two years compared to my six.

When my boss started working here (through an acquisition), we bonded. At one point she said she wouldn't still be here if it weren't for me keeping her sane. She always had my back (still does for the most part), has worked to increase my pay more than once (although when I confronted her about the fact that a junior marketing person is being hired at the salary I earn now, there was nothing that could be done), and she trusts me to the point of sharing confidential things, her troubles at work, asking my advice on how to structure our team, etc. She said because of my HR background, she knows I wouldn't say anything. That's true. I'm a vault. I shared things with her, too. I trust her.

However, as a former HR person, I feel that a professional boundary was crossed. I'm too comfortable speaking my mind with her, too straightforward. Where I work, EQ (emotional intelligence) is really (frankly, overly) important. When I first started working here, I was professional, helpful, never lost my shit, and definitely not in front of anyone. After six years, I'm losing that. I think I fall into that newly created category of being a highly engaged employee suffering from burnout. Meaning, I enjoy what I do and I really like what my company does and I like my coworkers, but my patience, my agreeability, my professionalism, it's all slipping because I'm fucking tired. I get here on time. I work through my lunch (except today) and I stay sometimes until 8 p.m. or later. On the other hand, my coworkers haven't been here that long so they still have that eagerness and "yay teamwork" thing.

I feel like I'm turning into a crotchety, persnickety, crabby bitch. I don't feel like what I do matters. I mentioned this to my boss and she says that everyone completely values what I do. I don't feel that way because I create content. I spend most of my time writing and editing. Because I'm not running around from meeting to meeting (as much as they are) and because I don't work directly with a sales team (since my content is across all markets) and because I don't have the luxury of managing a team, and because I'm constantly in front of my computer typing away, I feel like they all probably think I'm not doing enough. So they're constantly trying to pawn their work on me.

I'm a cow producing milk. A lot of milk. Constantly. And my fucking udders hurt. lmao

But, alas, humans have a choice. I know that I am allowing other people and circumstances to control my mind space. I can start looking for another job. I can (and will be) taking time off. I can communicate what I'm doing more often, and its value.

I have choices.