Let it burn...

Always nice to look back on the days of old, and rejoice with the utmost pleasure of being grateful that I will NEVER. NEVER. EVER...deal with manipulative, emotionally abusive bullshit like that again in my life. I have fought too hard to simply exist in this world and learn that I am worth so much more than to put myself through this nonsense again. Lesson learned. I read this while (finally) unpacking the other day, and thought, "Who the hell is this girl?" I acted like a frightened, obedient, mind-washed child. It made me sick. So I wanted to capture this in print here on my blog, and then burn the shit out of the fucking piece of paper I wrote it on. Bye, Felicia! (hahaha)




Forgot what my needs are - losing myself. Cried on my way to Lake Trail, didn't care that it was dark outside. Came home from office to more of the same: "There is a serious issue in our relationship; it's not good."


We argued, we talked. We talked. We talked. It's all because I'm stupid, and lazy...oh, and let's not forget unattractive. Thought it might be over today - my day off. I was wrong.


I swept, I mopped, I vacuumed. I cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes. I went for a bike ride - peace - I came home and he said, "Shall I get the cot for you to put your mattress on it so it's easier to keep clean?" (We had unique sleeping styles - no beds, just thick super comfy mats on the floor - I loved it; however, we slept in separate rooms our entire marriage.)


I took his underhanded question and cleaned my bedroom. Because cleaning everything else AFTER work just wasn't enough. I had to also clean my room - the room he doesn't sleep in at night - as though I'm a child.


"You know you didn't have to do that now," he said, after I was finished.


I said, "Mhm."


"What was that?"


"I said 'mhm', meaning, I know."


Pettiness. And he said I should be grateful that he "only" said, "You stupid little..." without finishing the sentence. Afterward, "Are you seriously offended by that? Please..."


I start to wonder if he's right and that scares me.


He wants a maid. I have to be useful for some reason, right? I'm neither intelligent, attractive, wealthy nor am I "well-born" as his mother, a Countess, required. His mother - who didn't even know we were married due to his shame that I would never be able to meet her archaic, European, aristocratic, WASP standards. Nor would I ever be able to - Italians are peasants to her "set".


I'm not as educated or cultured as he is. I'm far younger, so that means I'm less mature - childish even. So what is left for someone to pass (just pass) as a 'good wife"? Cleaning doesn't require much intelligence, so that is my role. The house maid.


I don't feel like a wife. I don't even feel like a friend any more. We were best friends for years prior to getting married. I feel empty and disappointed. And angry. And hurt.


"Why are you so sarcastic lately? What could be making you respond that way knowing how angry it makes me? What has changed? You were being very good about that for a while."


"Well...I can think of a reason," I said.


"Sex?"


"Yes," I said.


"Right. how could I not have thought of that. I mean, it is a natural part of being human. Well..." (he took a long pause) "I guess that's all for now."


Just...like...that. There was no "I'm sorry I haven't been able to touch you or show affection or make love to you." Nothing.


I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm trying everything in my power to fix this issue. I'm losing weight, exercising a lot, eating right - but still nothing. What if it never happens?


I find myself aching to be touched. I feel rejected, almost discarded. I feel ugly, lazy, stupid, boring. I've lost myself. I look at people walking or driving and wonder if they go through the same thing. Do they keep this a secret, too? Do their husbands tell his families that he's married? Are they happen and proud to introduce their wives to family and people?


I've gotten myself into a huge mess.