What more do you want?

My fucking blood?

Had a life changing moment at work on Friday evening. Eleanor Roosevelt still rings in my ears "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I wondered, after a particularly insulting email I received:

What have I done to teach you that it was ever OK to disrespect me the way you have?

Right? Because people don't just go around sending insulting emails to just anyone. You have to know that you'll get away with it, or, if not get away with it, certainly not be questioned about it. So I ask this question of myself truly. What is it in me that gives off the impression (even if only via email - I've never met the lady in person) that it is OK to think you can just speak to me any old way you'd like?

I wanted to actually send that as a response, but instead I chose not to respond at all, because sometimes silence is more powerful. I was absolutely infuriated. She copied her boss, and her boss's boss (who is my friend, but she didn't know that). He called me immediately after she sent the email - or I should say - both emails. Yes, she sent two. He apologized on her behalf and then a couple hours later she sent me an apology email (only because he asked her to).

Normally I would have written ten overly furious emails and deleted each one before I ended up sending an extremely well-written, well-thought out, respectful "I can be the bigger person" email. Not this time. Normally, I would vent to my boss or call my sister. Not this time. I sat with this infuriating rage over the entire weekend and nothing was helping me feel any better. I kept feeling I should do something, but it was doing nothing that was the answer.

I went to work today and left at noon - decided to work from home. Every meeting I attended, every task I checked off the box, every ten more I added to my list - made me more and more furious. At myself.

At 40 years old, I've fallen all of these years for the corporate façade. I've always wondered why I was never getting anywhere, and this experience opened my eyes. The truth of the matter is that the world is a different place. Authenticity, realness, honesty...these are traits that are admired in life - but not in the workplace. The workplace requires cunning, strategy. The smile is just the armor you adorn yourself with prior to walking through the door. But the reality - is that niceness doesn't cut it. Being helpful and wanting to do a good job because that's just "the right thing to do" doesn't get you anywhere.

All of my problems have always stemmed from my allowing people taking advantage of my kindness. They expect me to do the right thing because that's the pattern I've upheld. That is why I chose not to respond to the apology email. I put the armor on and joined the rest of the corporate rat race. I was short, and to the point in all of my other emails with this lady today - and she was nice to me!

I was short and stern with another coworker - and I was met with respect!

I was direct in asking another coworker for a request and received a prompt and positive response!

Could this be real? I wasn't being mean, just firm. Is that what I needed to learn all along? Is that what is called confidence? Is that what is called assertiveness? Must people reach this level of frustration in order for the following to resonate loud and clear:

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO ME THAT WAY? SHOW ME THE RESPECT I SHOW YOU.