The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

THE GOOD

Personal life:

• I'm going to a friend's wedding in Asheville on September 10 and spending the next day enjoying downtown on my own while I'm there.
• A very close coworker/friend is moving back here and is coming back to work here on August 23! I'm so excited - she was someone I went to lunch with every day, laughed with, vented with, hung out with. It'll be different now because she's a mom, but that is to be expected.
• I'm going to Earthdance!!!!!!!!!!! In Orlando September 16-18 with my SISTER! I am so freaking excited. I haven't been to a camping/hippie type festival since Burning Man, and many of my Burner friends will be there, too! It'll be so nice being in that environment again - but without my ex-husband - and without people seeing me as "Raoul's wife".

Work Life:

• I am finally understanding the market I am marketing to and aligning with sales managers to provide them what they need. I'm finally understanding marketing terminology, what the numbers mean, what pipeline means and how my efforts affect it. There is a lot of writing involved, which I love. I've written whitepapers, fact sheets, case studies, emails galore, social posts, blog posts, web copy, banner ad copy, you name it, I've written it. I've led two major launches and have been recognized for taking the initiative and showing great leadership.
• I've been offered a role as Copywriter for the Marketing Department! My boss (whom I adore) made it happen. She knows I love writing, we need it, and it is where my talents lie. Also, I absolutely hate dealing with sales and the neverending pressure of my role being directly tied to how much money the company is earning. Additionally, the markets I'm in are set up to fail due to industry issues too complicated to list. So it's stressful, but this was the best news ever!!! I've been wanting a (strictly) writing job at my company for 4 years! Only drawback: I have to fill my role first - which is extremely difficult (no one internal wants it, lol and externally it's hard to find someone with both industry and marketing knowledge), but I'm working closely with the recruiting department and my fingers are crossed.
• I started using Thumbtack Pro to attract clients for massage therapy, reflexology and Reiki - I get an average of 4 requests per day! They don't all "hire" me, and I "pass" on several (I'm still unsure about seeing male clients, alone in their homes), but still - it's a great way to grow business without having to advertise. Depending on the service you provide, you do, however, have to pay a fee per quote that you send, but if the person doesn't view it within 2 days, the quote is credited back to your account.

THE BAD

Personal life:

• I don't have one.
• I'm stuck in a rut.
• I'm tired, lazy and fat.

Work life:

• My boss confided in me that she is being let go, but has been given until December to find another position. Although they told her in the beginning that working remotely would be fine - they have now changed their minds. Which really sucks. I totally understand and agree with it, but I vehemently disagree with them letting her go instead of offering her a different role. She was the VP of Marketing at a company we acquired and they asked her to replace my previous boss. Now I fear the same thing is happening. She is the best boss I've ever had. She's knowledgeable, she pushes me, she believes in me, she trusts me and she has my back. That is not easy to find! We've built a very strong relationship. She has been struggling since the beginning due to her boss, the VP of Marketing. Great guy, just quirky and has too many "ideas". So whatever kick he's on, he wants our team to shift direction and work on it immediately. It's overwhelming - especially in an understaffed department - and only to have our focus shift again the next week.  It's so taxing, that the Director of Digital Marketing, one of our Graphic Designers, our International Marketing person, our Retail Marketing person, our Analytics person (and 3 others I know about but no one else does) have left or will be. It's insane. I started looking, too, and I told my boss. I'm close with the Director of Content and we met for dinner, during which I told him I applied to another company. He told me to reach out to him before I ever think of leaving - that he'd find me a role in his department. That was reassuring. And now that my boss created the copywriter role for me (and had it approved by the higher ups), I'm really happy about it. I just dislike that I will eventually have to report to someone else after my boss leaves. 

THE UGLY

Personal life:

• After having lost 25 pounds and feeling as though I was gaining control of my life again, I gained it all back in a matter of weeks due to out of control eating. I truly feel that I have a serious binging disorder. Remember the post I wrote that said I ate a whole box of ice cream bars? It got to the point of "needing" to eat an entire box before work, and an entire box at night. I then figured if I was eating this much sugar, I might as well go for the gusto and eat all of the foods I've been missing. I regularly ordered pizza. I regularly ordered Chinese food. Then I had salty cravings. But not instead of sweet cravings - in addition to. So a box of Pringles, or Cheese Puffs and then ice cream. So, a typical day for me during this time period was this: Wake up, eat a box of Snickers ice cream bars. Arrive at work, have coffee. Order Jimmy John's 8" turkey sub for lunch - with a large cookie. Work late. On way home, stop and get either a huge snow cone soaked in an artificial sugary flavor, or get a large Blizzard from Dairy Queen. When I get home, I sit on my couch, watch TV, eat my ice cream. Eat dinner, which was pizza, Chinese food or something frozen, and eventually I got to the point of eating another box of ice cream bars around 11pm before bed. Sometimes I exchanged the ice cream bars for entire half gallons of ice cream, covered in rainbow sprinkles. I was completely out of control. Completely. Out. of. Control. I went through deep, deep phases of depression - which I still don't think I've overcome, frankly. I have no idea what triggered this nonsense, but it has never been this bad - to the point of just giving in, and justifying all of it with "self love" and "I should be accepted as I am". Nonsense. "I" should not accept myself this way. It's a recipe for a heart attack, at best. I tried to stop. I went three days without sugar. Usually after day three, I'm able to put up a good fight. But I went right back. This happened two or three times. Finally, I snapped out of it - no clue why - and for the past few weeks I have not eaten bad sugar. I've replaced my daily dose of sugar with a bowl of watermelon. I figure that's a step in the right direction, except I have to eat a bowl every single day - a huge bowl. And my non-sugar items are not healthy either. I mean, I do look at ingredients, carbs, etc. but for example, I'll buy an organic chicken pot pie instead of Banquet. And I'll eat two per serving instead of one. I can never just eat one of anything. What he heck is that about? When I was little, I hated eating. My mother made me sit at the table until it was dark outside, she left the lights off in the kitchen and my sister would have already gone to bed. If I still didn't eat, I'd have to eat it in the morning for breakfast. Once she shoved peas down my throat and I threw them up. But now? I can't. stop. eating.
• I haven't had a period in 4 months; except, I'm still bleeding daily. I have to wear pads every single day. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's not a full-fledged period; it's just that 9 times out of 10 I see blood when I wipe myself. Mainly it is still coming from my urethra. No pain, no fever, had it checked out. My doctor says it's stress, diet ups and downs, etc. Of course my mind is saying other things like endometrial cancer or bladder cancer, lol. What's sad is that I don't even really care any more. I'm tired of worrying about it.
• I find myself hating men more and more as time goes by. I don't mean it in a "men suck" way. I mean a deep-seated hatred and disgust for men. I feel like they're all the same. Cheating, lying, selfish, cowardly pigs. And I know that I'm wrong. And I know that I'm right. It's a struggle. I'm not sure if this is because I don't feel good about myself, so I hate the world right now, or if I truly hate men. lol
• I hate dealing with my mother's triangulation tactics between my sister and me
• I hate that my sister is blind to reality and doesn't see that her new lifestyle is her new addiction (that's a long story for another time)

Work life:

• I hate that, at 40, I still feel insecure and tremble with utter fear when I have to speak at a meeting
• I hate that I want to strangle the two people who ruined my career at this damned company
• I hate that I'm afraid to take the leap and put more of an effort into getting a different, higher paying job - or at least taking my massage therapy job more seriously with regard to better marketing, etc.

I realized that, on a Friday night as I write this - I really should have started with the ugly, and ended with the good. :)